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Wassailmania
Wassailmania is set to take place on December 7th, 2019. Card The Smackbees vs. The Winthrops *** FOUR CORNER MENORAH MELEE! The Winthrops are an antique-obsessed, sweater-vest clad family from Maine. Normally their antiquing keeps them out of wrestling, but when they seek to DISRESPECT A MENORAH, THE SMACKABEES spring into action! This LESSON IN TRADITION is set to become a YESHIVA IN BRUTALITY! Sprida vs. Crimson Spark *** Sprida -- the refreshing, green stranger imbued with the power of ALL SODAS! Crimson Spark -- the red fighting hero and heir apparent of the MANTLE OF SPARK! These two must clash, and in their collision the colors of the season will blaze for all to see! Special 2/3 falls match! "Fall" means "Pin!" Crazy, right?! Slamta is Here *** SLAMTA IS HERE! SLAMTA needs no milk and cookies, and his gift to us is the RAW KNOWLEDGE OF WINTER'S CRUELTY! Hail SLAMTA! An Open Challenge from Ralph Macchiato *** The controversial and noisy barista, RALPH MACCHIATO, is taking on all comers! Who dares challenge this rule-bending maniac?! Drink boiling coffee directly from the french press, scald your mouth for PARTY VIOLENCE!!! Big Daddy Bolero {Partyweight Champion} vs. Sweetie Tuff *** Big Daddy Bolero comes from the heart of the Dallas Hellplex -- a bolo-tied, mile-high, insatiable real estate magnate! Sweetie Tuff is a humble forest nymph for whom a SINGLE TREEHOUSE has always been enough. But now, the fires of VENGEANCE rage within them, they're no longer all smiles and pixie dust! After losing their partner to BDB's machinations, no toys shall be built in this elfin creature's workshop, and the only gifts they give will be FEARLESS COMBAT! The Valkyries {BFF Champions} vs. Ancient Foes *** Our BFF champions have been around for centuries, trawling earth's great battles seeking warriors to send to WORMHALLA! But the spirit of the solstice brings forth entities beyond imagining -- and these entities have been booked in a wrestling match! What weird, antlered, kid-eating 19th century monstrosities lurk in the shadows of the Yule?! We know one thing -- ANCIENT FOES seek to claim the BFF belts! The Foamster Memorial Foam Fumble *** We've seen matches with 2 wrestlers. Even 4. Sometimes, rarely, 6. But what if more than a DOZEN WRESTLERS shared a single ring?! Impossible? No, for WASSAILMANIA demands wanton BATTLE-EXCESS! WassailMania demands that a BUNCH of wrestlers fumble, stumble and CRUMBLE their way to GLORY! New party athletes, current favorites, and forgotten heroes will all contend in the most NOBLE TRADITION OF ALL TIME. Some participants: Bench Horse, The Dumpster Babes, Gary the Goat, Dr. Trahma, Bull DeCroix, Jazz Wolf! This is but the babiest fraction of the full virtuous scramble!!! Dark Master {Necroweight Champion} vs. Luigi Primo *** After claiming the evil NECROWEIGHT TITLE, our beloved defender of the sea, Dock Master, grew brooding and cruel. The advent of the DARK MASTER has rocked PWR to its core. Who can stop his titanic shadow? Can...a pizza chef?! Luigi Primo seeks to make a pizza delicious and powerful enough to not only bring down the massive Dark Master, but to satiate the appetite of the NECROBELT! This is nuts! Results ~~Traditions Honored -- Bodies Shattered -- Hearts Reborn~~ Can you remember what happened, and how you felt? Does the Christmas Goblin murmur to you, his voice jingling like bells? Do the smells of pine and sweat still coil about you?! Can you see the blind EGGUNCLE carefully monitoring the six corners of the DARK EGG?! The forest nymph warrior SWEETIE TUFF was poised to deliver PARTY VENGEANCE to Big Daddy Bolero! Sweetie’s partner had been stolen and killed, taken from them forever. DESPERATE REVENGE was placed upon the altar; a cry to Mother Worm, a plea for the return of Crybaby! But this offering was stolen away, and ultimate victory over DALLAS was snatched from our grasps. Cast your minds back...back...back...to Saturday, December 7th, and recap with me! The Smackabees Def. Winthrops, Save a Menorah ******* We began the night with our first match, "per usualé"! With a hanukkiah held hostage, the trio of Mattathias, Judah, and Schlomo Smackabee squared off against Tripp III, Muffy, and Tripp IV: the Winthrops! The two families devastated each other with lacrosse sticks, seasonal alcohols, and even a LEGENDARY HAMMER! But like so many Holiday dinners, the Withrop's patriarch eventually drove away his loved ones with overbearing leadership. The powerfully cohesive Smackabees claimed victory! The disrespected menorah was liberated... Sprida def. Crimson Spark, Goes Partially Wild ******* Next, the lemon-lime henshin hero Sprida squared up against bright-burning newcomer Crimson Spark in a 2/3 pin LUCHA RULES match! It was GREEN VS RED, EXPERIENCE VS INNOCENCE, REFRESHMENT VS. FRESHNESS! Eventually, the THRILLING SPORTSMANSHIP broke down, and Sprida unleashed effervescent bubbles of anger! In fact, his anger lead to senior official Stephen Zuigiri rushing out to stop him from attacking the ref! Uh oh! Careful, Sprida... Slamta Unbound! Hot Dog {Garbageweight Champion} def. Night Mayor ******* n an emergency HARDCORE HOLIDAY CAUCUS, area crust punk Hot Dog challenged the mayor over the FATE OF SLAMTA CLAUSE! Not even the intervention of the SKELETAL CITY COUNCIL could stop Hot Dog from using weaponized implements of Christmas to unseat the corrupted burgher and SUMMON SLAMTA'S FULL FURY! HEAR THE MOON'S CRY!!! Ralph Macchiato Def. Arbitro Obscuro ******* And hear it we did! We also heard a challenge! The mysterious referee/vigilante/wrestler ARBITRO OBSCURO responded to barista Ralph Macchiato's boasting, aiming to put a stop to his reign of chicanery. In a supreme irony, this very match was rife with rule bending, as "Smooth" Vernie Vegas seemed to repeatedly miss Ralph's Cult of Coffee staff running in and out of the ring. BUT THE COFFEE MAN CAME CLOSE TO FALLING! Arbitro's compassion for his rival referee ended up being his undoing -- while checking on the injured Verne, Ralph rolled in and snuck a pin! When things couldn't get any worse for Arbitro, SPRIDA decided to use the opportunity to settle an old score! Is this the end for PWR's only referee who wrestles?! Gary the G.O.A.T Goes the Distance, Wins Foam Fumble ******* With the advent of painted farm animals rapping the words of humans, the DARK BARNIVAL was born! In addition, the following wrestles FUMBLED HEROICALLY in PWR'S MOST INSANE BATTLE ROYALE EVER! Here’s the full participant list, their salient features, and their entrance orders: 1. Gary the G.O.A.T (WINNER), one-horned goatman and the Dark Barnival’s leader 2. Bull DeCroix, train enthusiast and enforcer of the laws thereof 3&4. The Dumpster Babes, married trashfolk 5. Bench Horse, extremely strong horse and Dark Barnival member 6&7. Olive and Anchovius, sentient pizza toppings 8. Dr. Trahma, malpractice expert and owner of Gary’s missing horn 9. Zooma the Skooma, Siberian tiger and Dark Barnival member 10. Ken Bones, undecided skeleton voter 11. Scrubby Bubby, suds elemental 12. Tallahassler, severe lifeguard 13. Datyona Racer, crew chief and hardest driver 14. Simon Maul, vicious mall revenant 15. Jazz Wolf, saxophone-playing animal and Dark Barnival Member HAIL MOTHER WORM! Dock Master {Necroweight Champion} def. Luigi Primo ******* Our first title event of the eve featured PWR’s most brooding Canadian longshoreman battling our most furious Italian pizza chef! Luigi mounted spirited, pizza-based offense against the much larger Dock Master. Like the waves, he rolled against Luigi again and again, punishing his back with slams and cruel holds. Ultimately, the pizza man’s injuries prevented him from delivering his HAND TOSS finishing maneuver, and Dock Master unleashed the dreaded BLUENOSE. Luigi briefly gave us a glimpse of the real Dock Master by “blinding” the Necrobelt with dough, but once its sight was restored, the DARK MASTER returned in force. Valkyries {BFF Champions} def. Krampus and the Yule Cat, Open Huge Portal ******* In a tradition as old as the Yule itself, KRAMPUS and the YULE CAT trundled forth with their CHAINS, CROOK and LITTLE KIDS IN SACKS! Thankfully, the VALKYRIES were on hand to UNSACK the children and challenge for a title match! Despite being powerfully hassled by YULE CAT’S CLAWS and KRAMPUS’S WICKED BODYSLAMS, the winged soldiers battled with the unmitigated fury of Wormhalla. When the YULEFOES employed both crook and chain to equalize the match, the Valkyries responded by FUSING TOGETHER into VALKYRIE PRIME! The gestalt union symbolizing the best-friendship of Blitzen and Raven savaged the Krampus-Cat Connection, and the Valkyries took home another win! But the portal they had opened to harvest their conquests accidentally pulled Blitzen inside! Raven managed to pull her out, but her rescued partner had acquired a strange thousand yard stare... Reborn Through Combat: Big Daddy Bolero {Partyweight Champion} Def. Sweetie Tuff ******* And now, final vengeance was at hand! Sweetie Tuff rushed their hated enemy and showered him with blows. The time for messing around had long since passed, and was now crushed to smithereens under the nymph’s shining boots. The two traded hideous punches, and Sweetie looked for opportunities to break Bolero’s arm in their TRIFORCE LOCK. When an errant TEXAS TWO STEP thrown from the champ shellacked referee Steven Zuigiri, the intensity boiled even hotter. The battle spilled out all over 4th Tap! The brewery had become a Wassail-drenched, sweat-moiled bodyzone with Sweetie Tuff and Big Daddy Bolero ensconced in the vertex of the abyss. The two finally returned to the ring, covered in red bodymarks. Coffee pervert RALPH MACCHIATO took advantage of the still-unconscious referee to help Bolero further punish Sweetie, but the faefolk fighter evaded and knackered BOTH foes! Sweetie laid in the TRIFORCE LOCK, tapping out Bolero! They had won! But the ref was still out, the victory was null. After rousing the ref, Vernie Vegas came in to dispute Zuigiri’s officiating. A chair booted into the face of Sweetie took place in this rule-free margin. That was the true end of the match -- BDB retained the title, and left as champion. From the ashes of a bitter defeat, Mother Worm’s Emissary emerged to console the defeated nymph. On the monitor, this being showed us a broken cocoon. Could it be? Had the Crybaby heard Sweetie’s cries beyond death itself? Had their kismet been stronger than the obliterating chokehold of a hired cyborg? CRYBABY emerged from the archway, and the Multiverse had their answer. Crybaby and Sweetie Tuff embraced, as did we all, and we wept into our glasses. Big Daddy Bolero still reigns. But the virtues of Party violence: A HOUND’S LOVE, THE COURAGE OF A SKELETON, AND THE HEART OF THE CHAMPION, still prove stronger than the bonds that tie us to earth. We believe they will prevail, and to this end, we WASSAIL! WASSAIL MOTHER WORM!Category:Show